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image -animated gifDES DILLON

return of the Ned

excerpt from Cunt: A True Story

When we finished the letter I flopped exhausted into Kundas arms an she let me cry a while then asked how did I feel an I scanned my soul an sayed Different an she went Different good or different bad? an I was lit Different good defo different good.

Do you know what you need now girl she sayed an I was lit Three bottles of Buckfast an a line of coke? an she sayed No something better than drugs a makeover an I was lit For what? an she sayed For you an she clicked her fingers an Tavares came on Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel an she sayed Come an took me up the stairs.

I dont know if it was a week a second or an hour but Kunda ironed clothes done my hair put my make up on an transformed me into wan sexy lady. Boobies pushed up hair down wavy perfect eyelashes long sexy legs waxed an shining. You spin in front of that mirror girl she went an I span round looking at myself an by God was I looking good an I stopped a moment before my hair an skirt stopped an she looked at me an I looked at her an I could see she had a desire for me an I certainsexy had a desire for her an she licked the centre of her top lip an I stepped towards her an thats when I heard the unmistakable tiny thunder of wheely bin wheels behind the music. Our ears pricked up lit giant disco rabbits an we listened.

Come whispered Kunda an we crept halfway down to see the Ned wheeling the bin into the living room an he had rope duck tape an cable ties lit a kidnapper.

Im claustrophobic he sayed imitatingly of me an snorted a nedlaff out his nose an throat at the same time then he spotted the letter an read laughingly Oh daddy he went Oh daddy your bad an it made me mad as fuck but as I moved Kunda stopped me gently wi wan hand an went Shht in my ear.

See ye later masturbator sayed the Ned In a while paedophile an he starts setting out his equipment singalonging wi Tavares

Your kiss ooh filled with tenderness

I want all I can get of your sex in bed

Kunda whispered how we were goanny play this an the more she told me the more I had to hold my laughing in. This was goanny be magic just fuckin magic an once he was set up an hiding in the darkness of the kitchen Kunda gave me the signal to strut downstairs. She clicked Lady Marmalade on an down we went singing

Itchy itchy ya yayaya

Look at you girl went Kunda winking. We ignored the wheely bin an I could see the Neds wee beady eyes in the darkness lit a pike staring at two unsuspecting wee innocent trouts I mean wan unsuspecting wee innocent trout.

You so sexy sayed Kunda an I span round an went Eh? Eh?

Goodbye Bridget Jones she goes an points at me an I go Hello Catherine Zebra Jones an we danced around the wheely bin singing.

Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister

The Ned grabs me from behind an goes Right you ya cow I told you to write a letter. I kidded on I was feart lit Kunda told me an made big eyes an trembled as best I could.

Get in that fuckin bin he goes an he opened the lid  an went You clean up nice for an old hing glancing at my pushed up boobies an Kunda took that opportunity to slip me the Iron an fuckyi I whacked him on the head wi it an he collapses to the floor moaning an Kunda shouts Again an I bang him on the dome again an she shouts Again girl an I bang him on the forehead this time boof leaving a triangle on his skin an he stops moaning an Kunda goes Put him in the wheeling refuse collection receptacle an Im lit The fuckin what? an she points at the wheely bin an says This thing but tie him up first. We sung as I tied him up wi duck tape an cable ties.

Itchigitchi ya ya da da
Itchigitchi ya ya here
Mocha-choca-lata ya ya
Creole lady marmalade

I trussed him up lit a turkey laid the wheely bin on the floor an slud him in an surprised myself wi my strongess when I stood the bin up an he slud to the bottom wi a thump. An thats when the song stopped an I went Whatll I do now Kunda whatll I do now? I was breathing hard an fast an had a big grin on my face.

We should terrify him Kunda sayed an I went Terryfy him great an shes lit Until he confesses to his crime an Im lit excitedly But How howll we terrify him Kunda how we goanny terrify him? an shes lit Im sure well think of something an she lets out this big Goddess laugh that fills the room wi sweet possibility. Then I remembered what he sayed about two weeks an went He sayed its been two weeks Kunda an she went Time flies an I finished it When your enjoying yourself I sayed an we grinned an looked into the wheely bin cos he had started to move.

Theres something moving in the wheeling refuse collection receptacle sayed Kunda an I went Hmm I wonder what it is that could be moving in the wheeling refuse collection receptacle? an we giggled lit schoolgirls an the Ned tilted his head back an sayed The fucks happening man? an Im lit Your in a wheelie bin an hes lit I know Im in a fuckin wheely bin an he started struggling against his cable ties an duck tape an went The fuck?  An I went I want you to listen to me an hes lit Let me out of this fuckin hing an Kunda says Go baby this is your party an I surprise myself wi my assertiveness You screw my house an Im the wan getting punished off the Judge an he spits up at me but it stops in mid air an falls back onto his face an me an Kunda fly into hysterical laugher an he shouts from the inner darkness of the wheely bin Ye better let me out of here ya fuckin psycho.

Listen you here to me ya wee Ned I went I redecorated this whole place after Terry fucked off an you hink ye can just come in an trash it an he went Idve fuckin bolted an all you should be in a loony bin. What did you say? I went Ye should be in a fuckin loony bin ya maddie he went an I took a pure flaky an was punching an kicking an slapping the wheely bin shouting Shut up shut up shut up every inch I decorated every fuckin inch an then I started crying an I suppose it was the final release of housescrew pain. The Ned poked his head out an went Look at ye ya mad bitch an Kunda went Bitch? slap him an helped me give the Ned an almighty slap on the kisser an he fell back in an went shoutingly Im goanny fuckin kill you but he never popped back up he just sat there swearing away to himself.

Did you like that? went Kunda an I was lit Aye I did quite like that.

My hand was tingling wi more than just pain it was tingling wi power. When I get out this wheely bin Im goanny fuckin kill ye he shouted but I was talking to Kunda I actually quite liked that I went an the Ned came up an I span an I hut him another almighty slap on the face this time without Kundas help or permission an he wriggled about cos as you know his hands an feet were tied an he went Arh ya cow ya fuckin cow an he was trying to press his cheek against thin air to ease the pain.

Lesson five always fight back went Kunda an I slapped him again an he screamed lit some kinda weird animal in the jaws of a lion. That was for screwing my house I went an hes lit Ill screw you ya fuckin lezzy an he spat but I easily dodged it an went Should I hit him again? an hes lit Who ye talking to? spinning his head lit a Meercat when Kunda sayed Lezzy one slap only. An I fucked him a cracker sos his cheek lut up lit Rudolphs nose an he went screamingly Ya fuckin hoor ya slut ya fuckin waste of a pair of tits.

Three? I went an Kunda went Three an the Ned went shriekingistcally Who the fucks she talking to? an I leaned into the bin cos thats where he went an got him three half decent dinks on the top of the head an hes saying into the bottom of the bin Keep slapping cos if ye dont slap me to death Im goanny fuckin kill ye an he tried to rock the bin over but me an Kunda steadied it.

The fuck is happening? Is all he could say obviously wondering how a weak wee woman lit me could hold that wheely bin in place.

Ask him to confess sayed Kunda.

If ye confess that ye screwed my house Ill let ye go I sayed an he went Bless me father for I have sinned an then he went Heres your penance an popped up an spat right in my face.

One sayed Kunda an boof I stuck the head right on his nose an sayed theres a wee Hail Mary for ye an he dropped back in.

Fuck he went Fuck! Argh! an he had to press his nose against the bin to soothe it then he went You are fuckin wan dead woman when I get out of here he went an Kunda went If he doesnt confess you will torture him say that an I was lit If ye dont confess Im sorry but Im goanny have to torture ye an he just done a nedlaff but the confidence was bleeding out him lit his bravado had its periods.

Get his shoes went Kunda.

Gimmi your shoes.

What? he says Ye some kinda shoe pervert?

Slap him went Kunda an I leaned in an slapped him an he was lit Arh again Youre fuckin dead dye hear me?

More slaps sayed Kunda an I slapped him a few times an went Shoes an repeated slap shoes till he shouted Fuckin stop it an I slapped him wance more for good measure an sayed Shoes again an he went relentingly Awright awright for fucksakes an he tried to remove his shoes but wi him being all tied up lit a turkey he was finding it difficult.

I canny get them aff my hands are cable tied he went an Kunda sayed Kick them off an I sayed Shove them off wi your feet an he made noises lit he was having a shite an got them off an then using his knees an elbows pushed them wan at a time up the cliffs of the wheely bin an used his teeth to topple them over the edge. He was lit a wee dug wi a big tongue as he dropped them bump onto the floor an when he was finished I remained silent just to stress him out an forced him to break the silence.

What dye want my shoes for anyway?

I looked at Kunda an she went Get a kettle of water an I backed into the kitchen keeping an eye on him an I swear he could sense Kunda standing next to him I seen the fear an when I returned wi a kettle of water he went What? Eh? What the fuckre ye up to? An Kunda went Pour it in an I went In there? an he was lit Theres nocunt there! Yes Kunda sayed an the Ned pushed his back into the bin an shouted feartly What the fuck? That better not be hot that better not be hot see if thats hot see if thats fuckin hot but then he felt cold water on his shoulders an legs an went Good fuckin job an got some of his courage back an went Aw aw she going for the wet socks treatment aw naw not the wet socks anyhing but the wet socks okay I give in I confess.

Butcher knife? sayed Kunda an I was lit In the drawer an I shot in opened the drawer an came back wi a big kitchen knife an he went Whoa! An Kunda handed me the hairdryer Cut the wires she goes an I held the wire an sawed through right up close to the hairdryer sos the wire was longer than the wheely bin lit we had planned.

What the fuckre ye doing? goes the Ned an Kunda went Pull them apart like this an I was pulling them apart lit a wishbone Mm mm girl sayed Kunda an the Neds lit Fucks going on here? an he looks at me an looks where Kunda is an goes Theres nocunt there theres no cunt there ya fuckin maniac!

Plug it in goes Kunda an Im lit Will it not blow a fuse? an Kundas lit No because hes the fuse an I point an go Hes the fuse? Uh hu goes Kunda an hes lit Im the fuckin what? Im the fuckin what? What fuse?

Lower it in says Kunda an I lower the wire into the bin. The Ned was going What the fuck what the fuckin fuck an I could hear the wires scratching against the plastic an he was lit No get that to fuck get it to fuck an the lower it got the more he was screaming an bumping about but he stopped when I went to Kunda What if we kill him?

No sugar she sayed It just goes through his feet an I went Aw thats how we took his shoes off an she went Youre learning an he went Took my shoes aff for whit?

Once I knew the wire was the right length I went to pull it out but Kunda went Leave the wire in the water an the Ned went Look at me an I went to Kunda Leave the wire in the water? an she was lit Yes but switch on and off at the electricity giver on the wall an hes lit Your leaving fuck all wire in get me out of here!

I switched the socket off an plugged it in an made sure the wire was in the water before I went You ready to confess?

Get to fuck.

I looked at Kunda an she nodded an I clicked the switch wi my toe an watched him bump about lit an epileptic fit or should I say epilectric fit screaming volts amps an hertz out his mouth wi great excruciatness then flicked it back off.

He looked lit a mad puffer fish gasping for air an I went Ye feel the need to confess yet? an he shook his head no an I flicked the switch an in the middle of his screambumping I heard Ill confess an I went What? an he was lit Ill confess an I goes I canny hear ye for all the screaming an he went at the top of his lungness Ill confess! An by this time he sounded lit a dying Dalek so I switched off an went Right go.

What dye want me to say?

That ye broke into my house. That ye fuckin trashed the joint. That ye raped my serenity that youre a wee fuckin prick.

Who you calling a prick he went an I made to flick the switch an he was lit Okay okay Fuck! I broke into Danni Faighins house an I stopped him an turnt on the ipad an went Go.I broke into Danny Faighins house he went an I was lit When? an he goes on Sunday fuck dye need the exact date? but the door went an he shouted Help an I sayed Keep your fuckin mouth shut or Ill switch ye on lit this an gave him a few electrons an through his screaming I heard Pepa shouting Danni let me in an Kunda went Its your sister sisteran I switched off an bumped the lid shut.

© Des Dillon 2017

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Author Bio

Des DillonInternationally acclaimed award winning writer, born in Coatbridge. Studied English Literature. Taught English. Writer-in-Residence at Castlemilk 1998-2000. Poet, short story writer, novelist, dramatist, broadcaster, screen writer, scriptwriter for TV, stage and radio.

Published in USA, India, Russia, Sweden, in Catalan, French, and Spanish. His novel Me and Ma Gal was included on the list of The 100 Best Scottish Books of all time. Anthologised internationally. His latest award was The Lion and Unicorn prize for the best of Irish and British literature in the Russian language (2007). His most recent work is Cunt:  a true story, 2017, from which this excerpt is take